vox humana

“I had lost too much already - would fate take the last few shreds of peace left behind? That seemed unfair, out of balance. But maybe I had violated some unknown rule, crossed some line that had condemned me…”

- maybe I am condemned..

- The year started not that good, my best friend’s dad died, yes she returned here but then again she had to leave… saying goodbye to her is just as hard like the first time she left.

- Bet you all know who left next, I really don’t need to say his name. This had been by far the hardest. It was the point in my life when I was willing to just give in. At that time, my whole life just went blank and I could no longer see myself. I was completely lost and I was beyond hurting. Its was worst than dying.

- Then I had to say goodbye to my tita and lola since they had to go back to Canada. I would have wanted them to stay longer, to spend more time with them but its not gonna be possible as much as they or me would like to. I really missed them.

- And another very close friend had been given an opportunity in another counrtry. He was a great friend without a doubt. He had been friend since grade school, he was always there for me no matter what. I was happy for him on getting a job abroad but it was painful to see him leave.

- And finally, a close friend from high school will be leaving tomorrow, it was nice to had a chance for bonding together with all the my other close friends but everything will eventually end and he has to get back home.

(In the past 6 months, people had left. How many more would, in the next months, years? But with the sadness of saying goodbye’s there were also joyful moments that were shared together. Maybe this was my life’s purpose, to be the person who stayed behind and be the one to remember those moments that they have left me with)

My day started 8:30PM June 20, 2009, a friend I haven’t seen in years wants to meet up for a simple dinner together with our friends in highschool, so I defenitely agreed. I was at the meeting place early, with the guys all settled, we were off to the Seaside Resto in Macapagal for dinner. I was ecstatic! I haven’t seen them in a long time, we had tons to talk about, updates with life, secrets we have waited to share with each other for a long time and nothing beats good old jokes about what high school was like. It was a blast and I really had fun, just having to sit there and have dinner with this guys that have played an important role in my life specially back when we were younger. And everybody thought that after dinner our day would be done, but it didn’t happen that way. Since the night is young and everybody in still on their bonding mode, we then decide to take the show on the road and just go somewhere, and I mean a place we’ll just pick at random. We ended up in Tagaytay, to contnue on with our conversations, we stopped by Starbucks to have coffee of course, the catching up continued. Some of us, have their own families now, some have kids, some in a relationship, some still looking for that hope to find the right one and some just enjoying everything life has thrown at us. It felt good being with them, there was a wonderful sense of familiarity and comfort that I can let my guard down, just be myself, say anything I want and its ok, noone is going to judge me or be angry at me or even be offended, if I said something off they just turn it into a joke and we just laugh it off… It was fantastic! During our stay, we dared each other to stay for another trip down the road to nowhere in particular. I had always been a traveller and I had fun everytime I was going somewhere because I know somehow, something exciting will happen. True enough, something did, we decided we are off to Zambales. Before starting another journey, we decided to go for a stop over in Bulacan (one of a friend’s place) and plan everything out first, so we did! Since this is all, unexpected we don’t have anything to wear if ever we are to be at a beach, good thing a friend had lots of stocks of everything we need and decided to let us use all that’s necessary, so after packing things, we were back on the road. Its now around 7am in the morning, without sleep since the night before, we had to keep up the energy up since its going to be another 3-4hr drive. It wasn’t that bad, being stuck in a car for hours, in fact it turned out to be just as fun, we never stopped joking and making fun of each other and everything we see on the road. The original destination was Zambales, but we decided to instead go to Subic where we found Camayan Beach, we had a great lunch and although we all look shit, we still managed to take a quick dip, take as many photos as we can and then we decided we are off to home. We fixed ourselves, got evrything in the car and then it started raining. We kept on driving back to Manila, and on our way out of the Subic free port another surprise, we saw a bunch of monkeys sitting at the side of the road, eventually we took pictures and then went on again. The rain picked up as well but subsided just the moment we reached a gas station, and there we run into Raymond Marasigan (of Sandwich / Pedicab), we asked for if we could photograph him and he graciously agreed (thanks idol!). With the quick drive thru snack and we’re back on the road but eventually the excitement of the whole event caught up on us and we all hit our silent modes. Back in Manila, around 7PM June 21, 2009, before going home we have one final stop and that is a barangay feast at one of our friend’s. We ate (again) and boast about the long, exhausting but overwhelmingly wonderful trip that we had. After all was said, eventually, the end of our day is nearing, see you later’s were being said, hugs and kisses and each of us are back home. For morethan 24hrs, we had travelled from Manila to Tagaytay then Bulacan then Subic and back in Manila, it was chaotic, ecstatic, exciting, energetic, overwhelming, surprising, and its just a natural high for me. Its without a doubt we will surely do this again the next time we had the chance and I am defenitely looking forward to it.

(to all the people (you know who you are) that was present, I kept everything as vague as possible, but many thanks for making every second worth it)

With the events that happened from couple months back until today, I would say it has been literally life altering for me… The sad part is that I had to realize and learn it the hard way. I’ve always been vocal, not in the sense that I tend to talk a lot in fact I don’t often do that, I only express my emotions through writing. And those people who have read my work knew what i’ve been going through. But this was my own perspective on things and how i felt at that point, people can’t help but see only my side of the story, and there should be two sides of the story to be fair to all and we need to look at both of them. I must admit I haven’t been fair to a certain person in which I had caused pain. I hadn’t thought of what he was going through while I dwell on my pain and suffering and felt that I was the victim but now I see the whole picture and it turns out that I wasn’t the victim after all, I was the perpetrator… I was so selfish that I had only come to realize what was happening right in front of me when everything was at chaos. And I was the cause… I was the reason things turned out ugly and worse the most important person in my life got hurt badly… Unfortunately, those mistakes can no longer be undone, it has already wounded so deep and it bled out until it run dry… Right now, the only thing I could do is to make amense and find ways to make up for what I did… I have a lot to make up for… for all the mistakes, for all the pain I’ve caused, for the times of selfishness, for the times of me neglecting and not appreciating what I had… But I do believe everything happens for a reason… At this point I may not completely understand the reason why these things happen but I know, at the end of the day it’s gonna be for everybody’s good. The only thing I know is that this is the time given to me to re-assess myself and to find out what I need to do to be a better person. I once prayed for guidance and to become a better person and I think right now I am given the opportunity to do so… Atleast now I see things clearly and with faith and the unfailing support of those people who care for me, I CAN DO ANYTHING!

*To those people who never left my side; those who were always willing to listen; those  who held my hand, hugged me close and assured me everything’s gonna be fine; those people who find time to spend with me trying to do everything just to make me smile; those who drank tons and tons of coffee and stayed up after an 8-hour shift just to keep me company; and for those people who still loved me and cared for me despite all of my shortcomings… I deeply appreciate everything that you all have done for me and I’m thankful I was allowed to walk this earth and live this life and have known you and have spend time with you… I am humbly and thankfully blessed to have all of you in my life… I love you all so much and I will continue to do so no matter what happens…

around 1:30am today i was on my way to work, my dad usually accompanies me to get a cab right around Banawe in QC. Fortunately enough, a cab passed by just outside our house so i immediately took the cab thinking that it would be best so i could get to work asap and my dad can go back to sleep. So i was inside the cab, told the driver where to go and we were just on our way to Araneta when a bunch of teenage boys walking in the middle of the street  blocked our way and one of them kicked the side of backseat door. Shocked with what happened that driver sped up but before we could move an inch another guy surprisingly threw a rock the size of a melon at us, so the driver stepped on it and we never look back. I was thankful at that moment, my dad was not involved, the cab had not passed by near our house, he would have been the one with me at that time and would encountered and would have gotten into a fight with those guys. It was fortunate, he didn’t have to be there, he would have been confronted with 7 boys who were completely out of their minds… Well, as for me, I was scared but if its my time then its my time, right?

It’s Saturday already past 3am in the morning and I’m still wide awake. This past few weeks I’m not sure of what to write, I guess it’s because I don’t know exactly what I’m feeling right now. I’m lost more than ever and I’m not sure where to go. I don’t know where I stand and how to somehow manage my way out of this. I to feel good but I’m obviously not. I want to feel relax but I don’t know how do it with all that has happened. I want to feel angry at myself but I guess I’ve past that already and now I pity myself. There only one thing I’m sure of right now, I’m deeply wounded and broken maybe beyond repair. This was by far, the biggest blow that life has thrown at me, too bad I wasn’t good catcher so I was hit exactly where it hurts the most… “the heart”! Now I know how it feels like a living corpse. It’s a good thing a corpse can’t feel anything whatever you do with it, but in my case I have to endure all these, every single minute that waste away feels like another stab in my chest. Well, if that would be the case, I think by now I would have looked like a cheese with holes in it. I’m not sure was is going to be left of me after this, a speck of dust would be an appropriate description I guess or maybe worse, that I would forever become invisible to the world and most of all to you…

I love you but I’m hurting. Hurting without me understanding the reason why. But I can’t stop loving you therefore the pain would not stop either. Why are things like this? Why are we going through this? When are things going to be alright? I’m not sure on what to do. I’m not sure on what to say. I want things like the way they were between us. We always love spending time together even without doing anything, just sitting beside each other and just holding each other’s hands. Right now, I can stand being near you without feeling something inside me throbbing, it feels like having somebody gaping holes in my chest. We use to talk about everything, and I loved it when you tell jokes, tell stories and just blabber about anything you can think of. Now, we can’t even end a conversation without starting an argument. We hurt each other with the things we say. We avoid talking which even painful. I want to just love you like I still do but this pain is getting in my way and I don’t know how to get rid of it. I know I’m hurting you too and that makes my suffering even worse. But I don’t know what to do. I don’t know how to undo the things I have done to hurt you. I’m not sure if I can still be the same person as I was before and I hate the person I have now become.

I hate you. I hate that I love you. I hate that I have to deal with hating you. I hate you when you’re not here. I hate it more when you say you’ll be here when you’re not. I hate when you ask me to decide on what to do for the day, where to eat, whether or not should stay at home or go outside. I hate it when you are becoming a pushover. I hate it when you couldn’t make a decision because you don’t want to be blamed for it when something goes bad. I hate myself for being so dominating that it makes me look bad. I hate you for being so submissive that it still makes me look bad. I hate that I have to say this things. I hate it that we have to argue over little things. I hate it when we don’t argue about little things but we both know that we are still in disagreement, only in silence. I hate it that I have to say these hurtful things just to get it out of me. I hate it when I’m hurting you. I hate it when I’m pushing you away to avoid hurting you and to avoid hurting me in the process. I hate it when feel miserable that I should see past through all your faults but I couldn’t. I hate it when I feel confused. I hate it when I’m hating you and I hate it that in spite all the hatred inside of me, I still love you and that nothing will change it, no even hate!

I guess this is it… I’m getting out of control… I thought I could deal with it but I was wrong, dead wrong! At this point, I just want something, someone to take me out of this misery… I can no longer go back to my happy place, its long been shattered and now its just a blurred memory of what was left of me… Now, I go on existing with something beyond pain and suffering… Its the numbness and the sharp pain of being burned inside out altogether… I wish it would stop at the same time I also wish for it to remain bcz its the only thing that assures me I’m still alive…

Its how you wake up every morning knowing that there is something missing… Its wondering how you will start your day and how long it will end… Its going through every minute praying for sanity… Its ending a long day with a sigh and asking, “Is this the same thing that’s gonna happen tomorrow? How long is this gonna last?”. A part of me was me was lost when you went away, nothing was the same. I still remember that day, I was determined not to let my emotions get in the way of what was about to happen. But when you finally left, it was chaos. It was like walking endlessly without knowing where I was to go. I was lost, I am lost until now… I’m confused of what to do, on where to go and how to feel. I tried to focus on other things but each time I tried I failed, because I’ve lost the one thing that was keeping me sane…